How to Find a Good marriage Therapist: Red Flags to Watch Out For

Finding the right therapist for you and your partner is an essential decision that can have a lasting impact on the future of your relationship. When you’re investing both emotionally and financially into therapy, it’s crucial to choose a therapist who truly understands your unique needs and can guide you through the challenges you're facing. However, not all therapists are equally skilled or well-suited for every couple. In this post, we’ll explore some important red flags to watch out for when selecting a marriage therapist.

Therapy Is an Investment—Make Sure It’s the Right One

Therapy is a big investment in both time and energy. When you're choosing a marriage therapist, you're committing to improving your relationship. It's important to find someone who will help you navigate the complex dynamics between you and your partner. As a couple’s therapist trained in the Gottman Method, I’ve heard countless stories from clients who regretted choosing a therapist that wasn’t the right fit. To ensure you make the best choice for your relationship, here are some red flags to keep in mind when seeking a good therapist:

1. Red Flag: Feeling Judged or Blamed

Client Story:
A couple came to me after seeing a therapist for several months. They felt that their sessions had turned into a battleground, where one partner was always blamed for the relationship’s struggles. The therapist seemed to side with the wife, leaving the husband feeling like he was the problem. This approach only escalated conflict rather than resolving it.

Why It’s a Problem:
Th goal should not be to assign blame but to understand the behaviors and patterns that are contributing to relationship distress. A good marriage therapist takes an objective, non-judgmental approach, helping both partners take responsibility for their actions while encouraging empathy and understanding. If a therapist is siding with one person or making you feel judged, it's a major red flag.

What to Look For:
A skilled therapist will identify and address negative patterns without blaming either partner. They should guide both partners toward mutual understanding, using evidence-based tools to improve communication and conflict resolution.

2. Red Flag: Lack of Structure or Direction

Client Story:
One couple described their experience with a previous therapist as "a venting session." Despite months of sessions, they felt no real progress was being made. The therapist lacked a clear framework, leaving them frustrated and unsure about their next steps.

Why It’s a Problem:
Without a plan or direction, therapy can feel aimless, leaving you and your partner stuck in a cycle of unresolved issues. The Gottman Method is highly structured and provides a clear roadmap for couples. It uses specific interventions to address key issues like communication problems, emotional disconnect, and the "Four Horsemen" of relationship distress.

What to Look For:
A good marriage therapist will work with you to establish clear goals for your therapy journey. They will guide you through structured exercises, such as improving communication and building emotional intimacy, that align with the Gottman Method’s principles. You should feel that every session brings you closer to resolving your issues.

3. Red Flag: Disrespecting Your Values

Client Story:
One couple recounted how their therapist dismissed their religious values during sessions. Despite sharing that it was important for them to live separately prior to marriage, the therapist continued to urge the couple to try living together. This led to further frustration and caused them to feel disrespected and misunderstood. They felt their personal values were not being honored in therapy.

Why It’s a Problem:
Respecting your unique values—whether cultural, religious, or personal—is crucial to building trust and fostering a safe space in therapy. A couple’s counselor must be sensitive to these values and integrate them into the therapeutic process rather than dismissing them.

What to Look For:
A good therapist will honor and respect your values and beliefs. They will actively listen and work with you to incorporate those values into your therapy sessions, fostering a space where both partners feel heard and validated.

4. Red Flag: Lack of Professionalism

Client Story:
A client once shared that their therapist frequently crossed boundaries by talking too much about their own personal life. The couple started leaving sessions feeling as though the therapist should be paying them for the session, as they felt as though they had taken on the role of therapist. This shifted the focus away from the couple’s issues and created an uncomfortable dynamic during sessions.

Why It’s a Problem:
Therapists are there to guide you, not to make therapy about themselves. Professionalism is essential for creating a safe, focused environment. If a therapist overshares or neglects to prioritize your needs, it undermines the therapeutic process.

What to Look For:
A professional therapist maintains appropriate boundaries and ensures that the therapy sessions focus entirely on you and your partner’s relationship. They should offer insights and support, but always within the context of your goals.

Conclusion: Therapy Is an Investment Worth Making—But It Has to Be the Right Fit

When you choose therapy, you're investing in the future of your relationship. You deserve to work with a marriage therapist who truly understands the complexities of your connection and has the skills to guide you toward healing, growth, and greater intimacy. If you’re feeling unheard, judged, or stuck in your therapy journey, it may be time to reassess whether your current therapist is the right fit. By being mindful of these red flags, you can ensure that your investment in therapy is one that leads to positive, lasting change in your relationship.

If you’re ready to find a qualified marriage therapist, take your time to do your research and ask the right questions. Look for a therapist that has specific training in the Gottman Method of EFT. The right therapist will help you navigate challenges and provide the tools you need to thrive together.

Are you ready to take the first step towards getting the help you need? Check out our services and contact us today to schedule your initial appointment and explore how our marriage therapy can support you both.

Written by Dana Stuefen, LCSW, Owner & Founder of Ivy & Reed Counseling and Consulting