Small Problems Today, Big Issues Tomorrow: The Case for Early Couples Counseling from a gottman-trained therapist

Jan 30

In any relationship, small problems are bound to pop up—maybe a miscommunication, unmet expectations, or even just a bad mood that lingers a little too long. At first, it seems like no big deal, right? But the truth of the matter is that if you ignore these small missteps, they can snowball into bigger, more complicated issues that can hurt your connection in the long run.

That’s where the power of couples counseling comes in. And no, it’s not just for couples on the brink of a breakup. Quite the opposite actually—It’s a smart, proactive way to tackle the smaller problems before they turn into major relationship stress. Too often I see couples come in to therapy as a last ditch effort. While I am still happy they made the choice to come, it is so much harder to work through the hurt that has built up over years, sometimes creating some pretty big walls. I see husbands and wives devastated that they did not agree to come to counseling sooner. So when a couple comes to me asking, “Is it silly for us to come to counseling if we’re not having any major issues?” I do a little happy dance and tell them I can’t wait to work with them and make their relationship a strong, lasting one.

Don’t let yourself have regrets. Let’s talk about how small issues can grow over time, why proactive therapy is the key to preventing bigger problems, and how using some relationship tools (like the ones used in the Gottman Method) can help keep your relationship strong, even when things get a little messy.

The Snowball Effect: When Small Problems Get Bigger

Think about this: you and your partner have a miscommunication. Maybe they didn’t quite hear you, or you didn’t quite explain something the right way. No big deal, right? You let it slide. But over time, when these little misunderstandings or annoyances pile up, they can create bigger problems that feel a lot harder to deal with. Here’s how:

Communication Issues: At first, a miscommunication might feel like no big deal. But after a few times, one or both partners can feel unheard or misunderstood. That’s when small frustrations start to turn into bigger emotional issues.
Unmet Needs: Maybe you want more affection, or you need your partner to be more present, but it feels too small to bring up. If these needs go unmet, they can lead to feelings of emotional distance or loneliness over time.
Avoiding Conflict: Sometimes, it feels easier to avoid a disagreement than to deal with it. But when small issues get swept under the rug, they tend to grow and come back later with a vengeance.

These small issues aren’t the end of the world, but if left unchecked, they can lead to bigger relationship problems that can be much harder to fix down the road.

Why Couples Counseling Can Make All the Difference

When small problems start to feel like big ones, couples counseling can offer a way to get back on track before things get too far gone. And here’s the thing: therapy isn’t just for couples at their breaking point—it’s actually great for strengthening your relationship when things are good and for addressing smaller issues before they become major sources of tension.

Through PROACTIVE couples counseling rooted in research-backed methods (like the Gottman Method), you can learn how to communicate more effectively, manage conflict, and deepen your emotional connection—so that even when things aren’t perfect, your bond is stronger.

Here’s how therapy can help address those small issues before they grow into something bigger:

1. Better Communication: Making Sure You’re Really Hearing Each Other

One of the core principles is teaching couples to practice active listening, where each partner makes an effort to truly understand the other’s perspective before responding. Instead of interrupting or jumping to conclusions, partners are encouraged to validate each other’s feelings and show empathy. The method also emphasizes the importance of using a soft startup when bringing up difficult topics—starting the conversation gently, without criticism or blame. This helps prevent defensiveness and promotes a more open, productive dialogue. By learning these strategies, couples can reduce misunderstandings, strengthen emotional connection, and foster more positive, respectful communication.

2. Addressing Emotional Needs: Keeping the Connection Alive

One key aspect of this approach is the concept of emotional attunement, which encourages partners to be aware of and responsive to each other's emotional states. By actively listening and acknowledging each other’s feelings, couples can create a deeper sense of connection and understanding. The method also focuses on fostering a positive emotional climate in the relationship, where partners regularly express affection, appreciation, and gratitude toward one another. Additionally, couples are taught how to recognize and respond to each other's bids for connection—small gestures or requests for support or attention—ensuring that emotional needs are met in a loving and respectful way. By practicing these skills, partners can keep their emotional bond strong and feel more secure and supported in the relationship.

3. Conflict Resolution: Fighting Fair and Focusing on Solutions

The Gottman Method provides couples with powerful tools for conflict resolution, teaching them how to fight fair and focus on finding solutions rather than getting stuck in negative patterns. One key strategy is learning to soft start difficult conversations, addressing issues without blame or criticism, which helps to reduce defensiveness. The method encourages partners to avoid the “Four Horsemen” of the apocalypse—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—which are harmful behaviors that can escalate conflicts. Instead, couples are taught to use repair attempts—small gestures like humor, empathy, or taking a pause—to diffuse tension during disagreements. The goal is not to win the argument but to approach it collaboratively, with both partners working together to understand each other's perspective and find a solution. By learning these conflict resolution strategies, couples can transform arguments into opportunities for growth, strengthening their relationship rather than letting conflict drive them apart.

4. Intimacy: Keeping Things Close, Even When Life Gets Busy

Maintaining intimacy in a relationship, even during the busiest or most stressful times, encourages couples to prioritize emotional and physical closeness by regularly engaging in small, meaningful gestures—like expressing affection, spending quality time together, or simply checking in emotionally. One of the key concepts is the importance of turning toward each other—responding positively to your partner’s small bids for attention or connection, whether it’s a smile, a touch, or a conversation. This reinforces the emotional bond and keeps intimacy alive, even when life’s demands feel overwhelming. The Gottman method also teaches couples how to maintain physical closeness, from affectionate touch to sexual intimacy, ensuring that both partners feel valued and connected. By nurturing both emotional and physical intimacy, couples can keep their bond strong and resilient, no matter what life throws their way.

Why You Shouldn’t Wait for Things to Get Bad

Unfortunately, due to the stigma that has been placed on couples therapy, we assume that couples would only go to therapy if they are on the brink of divorce. It is my mission in life to change that stigma and get all couples to try therapy at least once. Better yet, couples should be coming to therapy during their engagement or their first year of marriage! Think of it this way: proactive couples counseling can help you nip issues in the bud before they become major obstacles. Why wait until you’re at a breaking point when you can strengthen your relationship now?

Take Action Now—Before the Small Problems Become Big Ones

Every relationship faces challenges, but you don’t have to wait for things to go south before seeking help. Couples counseling early on gives you the tools to navigate and resolve the small issues that can build up over time. With the right support, you’ll develop healthier communication, deeper trust, and a stronger emotional connection.

If you’re noticing those little issues creeping in, don’t let them pile up. Take action now to keep your relationship in a place of growth and connection. A few therapy sessions could save you from a lot of bigger problems later.